Roller Coaster ride

I wish I could take it all back to be able to come home to you every night. But I know that I still would not have been happy. Always questioning myself on why am I not good enough for you. If I could only make the tears stop and fill the emptiness in my heart. Why did you not tell me months ago that you were no longer in love leading me on that one day we will have the marriage I dream, more babies for us to smoother and a house that we can call home.
I love you so much! U are my best friend, lover and soulmate.

I just need to stay strong and know that in the long run I will be ok.

Changed the name of my BLOG!

Where to start?
With the changes that I face in life and the challenges that are a head of me it makes me think what did I do to get myself in this situation. Upset that I let myself love someone so much that I put myself out there. If I would have just took a step back and looked at the whole situation.. I have never been one to regret my actions but to just learn from them. But now like many other things that have change in my life I am starting to regret....
Why did I move in?
Why did I buy a car that I hate?
Why did I not walk away after the first time? If that would have been the case I would not have Baylee though.
I am the first to admit that I am no angel that I have done my share of bad things.
The worst part of this whole situation is the affect that it is having on my family. A little girl that is used to seeing her dad every morning, laughing with him and dancing all the way to the babysitters to now having to deal with her mom dragging her out of bed early. Not to mention how SAD she is every night. I know that she is feeding off my energy but it is hard to stay positive when my heart just hurts so bad. Even the dog is sad walking around the house with his head low. He is sad his number one person does not come home anymore.

To new starts.....
I am so greatful to have such an amazing family. They have helped me so much lately they have give me a second job to help me get out of debt. They helped me escape my sad life last weekend so I could enjoy the lake and laugh again with my favorite people. (I could not get the baby out of the water all she wanted to do was swim and ride the tube.) Even more they are paying my day care. But do I want to go that direction?
I am also greatful to have loving friends that have stood by my side to listen to me and help me.
Trying to find a new place is stressful esp when you dont know if you are going to have a dog are not. Interviewing at a job out of state which would be a nice fresh start.
There is a lot worse things going on right now then this drama. I am sorry to hear about you being sick you have always been one of my favorite family members. You are in my prays! Also my heart goes out to Raymonds family and friends during this time. I keep thinking about that sweet baby girl that lost her uncle.

Who I am!

I am a mother, daughter, friend and sister.
I am tall, thick and have plenty to love. I am a little, ok, VERY soft in the middle.
I am not a good housekeeper. In fact, lets face it I struggle to keep the basic things done. Having people over gives me anxiety.
I am very messy and unorganized.
I am decisive and scatterbrained.
I am horrible at finances and cant balance a checkbook or don't care to.
I don't wear make up and rarely do my hair.
I don't even care to have nice clothes and I feel awkward wearing anything that "makes me look good" aka dresses and tight items.
I wish I was better at so many things.
I wish I was a clean freak.
I wish I could find out the answer to my everyday question.
I wish I was a better mother, daughter, friend and sister.
I am not an early riser. In fact, it takes me about 30 minutes of zoning out to wake up in the morning.
I spend way too much time on the computer everyday.
I am the worse eater if it does not include deep fried item and some buffalo sauce I don't want anything to do with it.
I jump to conclusions and try too hard to be liked. Hate fake people that want to have some talk. Like I really care to listen.
I am emotional and stubborn.
I am short tempered and get my feelings hurt often.
I cant handle to thinking that you are always up to something.
I cant speak in public and I am not a team leader.
I am ME....
I am a nice person. I love doing stuff for people.
I always give money and food to strangers on the corner even if they might not be homeless. (everyone needs a drink sometimes)
Everyone has a habit to feed and mine is you.
I am compassionate about people and have empathy for everyone. I can feel what people are feeling and hurt when they hurt.
I am a good friend.
I am generally a happy person.
I am ME.....
And you know what? I love being me. I am a strong person that deserves to have the best things in life.
All of us have been given different talents and personalities. Why yearn for someone Else's life?
Sometimes though, like most people, I forget. I fall silly to jealous, hurt, gossip and pettiness.

If one artist could capture the moments in my life and make everything just seem OK/do able it is NINE INCH NAILS.
If that does not explain me I don't know what will.

This is for my favorite friend.....

First subject.....


On Friday, we get in a little car accident. No big deal cause I average a car accident about every 6 months. My daughter has been in 3 accidents before she was 1 years old. So Why do I put a poster of immigrants on my blog. Cause not only was this guy that hit us have no insurance, no registration, no license, but also illegal and high on DRUGS!!! I am not one to hate if he had some serious money I would have taken it and let him off. But instead he refused to get out of the car and kept asking to leave. SO I HAD TO GET NASTY! I called the cops he of course fights with us over the condition of the car (let me add this is a new car). Then he just drives away. So now a little accident turns into a hit and run for him. Let me tell you he is going to jail and possibly going back to Mexico.


I am not a hater I love Mexicans one of my favorite people in the whole world is Mexican.


But if Hispanic people don't want to be racially pro filled or deported cause their kids are citizens here is some advise.


1. Become a active member of society this is best done my coming over the border legally.


2. Stay away from Drugs/Alcohol.


3 Get a drivers license and car insurance


4 My favorite.... At least give your kids a chance to change the cycle. SEND THEM TO SCHOOL.


Several little kids in my neighbor don't go to school and cant even speak English. It makes me sad.



Aquarium-


I was so excited to go to the aquarium this weekend. Enjoy the fish and watch as Baylee's face lights up to all the colors and animals. She would have loved it. But yet again my beautiful day of celebration was ruined because of you. Alcohol! You will be the death of my family. You impair the decision of him and anger me. When you block is vision he cant see what he is doing to us.


I did make the decision to go to the aquarium by myself with the baby. Once I walked into the door saw all the families playing. Mom and dad swing their baby back and forth and laughing. I could do nothing but cry.


I always catch myself asking an I being self fish. These simple things I want in life. Like coming home to a loving family cooking dinner together sit at the table and talk about the day we had and the moments that changed us. Then finishing the evening getting out enjoying the sound of nature taking a walk to the local park. Giving all of us a chance to stretch our legs. I hate just sitting around and watching TV. Life is to short to be sitting in front of such a useless thing. Another thing that I think about is what life would be like to not have to babysit someone. Not filling out applications, handling all the paper work, nagging someone to help me clean. Someone on my team someone that find joy out of spending time together helping one and other. Am I asking for to much. Is it bad that I would like one holiday that we get along. I don't have to act like I like you when I really want to punch you for what you did while on Alcohol.

A word carries far, very far, deals destruction through time as the bullets go flying through space.

Dreamland

Lately my dreams have been so intense. Last night was very strange....

I slowly lay Baylee down on the hotel bathroom floor for a (bad mom)a little nap. Grab Jake and we jump on the horse for a afternoon ride. Wearing only aluminum foil caps that touch the ground. While riding along the dirt path we look up the steep hillside and see over a thousand black bears spaced ten feet apart. One bear comes up and starts to attack me. So I flip around and fight off the bear almost falling of the horse several times. As we continue on the trail trying to get out as fast as we can we come across a wolf. This thing was massive probably the size of the horse. The wolf was getting crazy,trying to bite me and everything. We finally get rid of the wolf and ride back to Josh and Jessica's house. (what I dont even talk to josh and jessica)

So after weeks of intense dreams I decided to goggle my dream and see what they mean.
Bear- Denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition.
Wolf- Hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. Reflects a uncontrollable force or situation in your life.

Really? What is going on in my subconcious that makes be feel so aggressive and angry?

Family Fun!

We had the most amazing weekend. . . .

Saturday-

We got a chance to deep clean the whole house. Nothing feels better than a clean house. (Thank you mom for taking the baby!)

That afternoon was filled with time in the sun at Matt and Ami's house with a shish kabob's on the grill. After dinner we took Ryder on a walk through the gulley. I love warm summer days.

Sunday-

I put the finishing touches on my final and played catch up on my homework.

That night was the best, we made a birthday cake for Baylee's photo shoot. I really sucked at the whole cake thing but Jake shinned. He did the most amazing job. He was so excited over his masterpiece.

It is a crazy thing. As much as I love them I think sometimes that I would be better off with out them.

I once thought what it would be like if I had a family that actually knew me and supported the discussions I made in life good or bad. Always feeling separated by religion and common interest. Now I realized that is the best type of relationship.

As Baylee's birthday gets closer and I think about all of the different personalities and fake conversations. All I want to do is just pull everything and make it a day with just the three of us. Something simple and fun. Maybe a day at the zoo or aquarium? Now that sound relaxing.

Life is to short and precious to dwell on little things. We all know that if that person dies tomorrow that you would forever hate yourself for all the mean things that were said. We often ask for people for their opinion yet push them away when we don't hear what we want.